Feeling dumb? Your parents call you stupid? Friends think you're a dunce? Do you try to defend yourself, but can't seem to get your feeble little brain to articulate (ooops, I mean say) a respectable comeback? Well have I got a solution for you!
Did you know that the number of books you keep in plain view in your house/apartment/jail cell increases your perceived IQ by a factor of ten? I'm not joking. This is a very simple program. No longer will your friends call you "Lenny" without you understanding the reference. Well, I mean, you still won't understand the reference but they just won't call you "Lenny" anymore. No longer will you be tricked into believing them when they tell you candle wax can be used as a dietary supplement. Well, I mean, if you already believe it then please, for your own sake, put the candle down and pay attention. It has no nutritional value.
Now I know what you're thinking: Do I have to try to learn to read again? NO!! The only reading you have to do (or have your 24-hour chaperon read to you) is in this article. That's the beauty of my program! It's as easy as these 3 steps:
1. Purchasing the proper bookshelf.
Buy a large bookshelf, preferably with 4-5 rows. It cannot be some garage sale relic that you bought for twelve bucks. Go out to your local Raymour & Flanigan or Pier 1 and buy a nice heavy cherry or maple bookshelf. The idea behind buying a pricey shelf is to give off the impression that you really care about the storage of your books. And make sure you put it in your living room or den where it's in plain view. If your books are hidden, then nobody can see them, and you may as well not even own them.
2. Filling your bookshelf.
Purchase about five hundred books. And I mean it. Five hundred books. Now, and I can't stress this enough, don't fill this shelf with your favorite Dr. Seuss books or your favorite volumes of Far Side galleries. These books, while mildly entertaining, will ultimately work against you and you'll be back on your birthday candle diet faster than you can sound out Gr-gr-greeeen Eh-eh-eggs and H-h-h-hammm. Leave those books in your bedroom next to your favorite crayons and best-flavored Elmer's glue.
Again, I know what you're thinking: Well what books should I buy, then? The answer to this is simple and it can be achieved in three different ways. First, remember that English teacher you had stalked during your fifth year of eleventh grade? Well dig up her phone number and, WAIT...do NOT call her and start panting while you fondle yourself. I know...old habits are had to break but please restrain yourself. Just call her and ask for the list of assigned reading that she gives her classes. There's always a few classics in there that you can pretend to have read. But don't overdo it with the classic novels. There's a reason nobody talks about them anymore...they're not that good. Keep it at about five or six classics. Pick any of the meandering, over-worded piles of crap written by Charles Dickens, more than one of Shakespeare's 150-page rap songs (NOT "Romeo and Juliet" - it's too obvious) because he's "legendary" and pick one of the other ones she tells you about, probably some hillbilly yawn-fest by Steinbeck or Mark Twain. Second, go online and purchase an entire volume of Encyclopedia Britannica. There's nothing that says intelligence more than a series of reference books in somebody's living room. Reserve an entire row on your shelf for these books as it will prove your dedication to keeping your prized books in a discernible order. When someone asks - and somebody always asks - if you've read them all, don't say "Yes". Say something that's actually believable, because nobody's ever read an entire Encyclopedia collection. Say, "well I read up to Volume 21- Orley to Photographic Telescope- but I found the information to be a little outdated so I stopped." You won't know it but you'll have climbed at least five IQ points just by saying a line similar to that. And Third, now just start filling your shelves with a vast array of anything from biographies (nothing having to do with NASCAR or Rachel Ray) to poetry compilations to satirical comedies to spy thrillers to tragic non-fiction. I know those words don't mean anything to you but if you write them down and give them to the clerk at your local Barnes and Noble they'll know in which direction to point you. Soon your bookshelf will be full of a respectable variety of books that you can tell everyone you've read.
3.Knowing your collection without reading your collection.
This section is of utmost importance as you must be able to speak in some coherent manner when talking with people about your books. Let's start with describing your collection in general terms. When somebody asks you what kind of books you read, remember this phrase: "Oh, I'd say I have a fairly eclectic taste in my reading material." Let me tell you, I've walked away from dinner parties after having uttered that phrase with the whole party believing I was the second coming of Stephen Hawking. So, definitely remember that phrase...and emphasize the word eclectic. That's your buzzword right there. That is as good as gold. In fact, try to incorporate the word into your daily life. If people start to describe you as an eclectic, you're way ahead of the game. It's like being called different but in a much more high-brow, intellectual way. But I digress.
Next you'll have to create a study routine about your books. I don't mean go buy the Cliffs Notes from all of your books. Like I've always said, if you read the synopsis then you may as well have read the whole damn book! Totally defeats the purpose. No, what I mean by "study routine" is find one or two words or at the very most find a small phrase that can somehow pigeon-hole the book or author. Use flash cards with an author's name, a few books he/she has written, and a couple of keywords you can use to describe them. A few examples:
author Stephen King = Someone Dies
book The Jungle = Dirty Food
author Augusten Burroughs = Hilariously Dysfunctional Childhood
book The Tragedy of Julius Caesar = Caesar Tragically Dies
author Mark Twain = Fables With Swear Words
The joy in using this method is that it's virtually air-tight. Let's say someone who has actually read the book asked you what you thought of The Jungle. Your trained response will be "Well it really opened my eyes to how dirty the food was back then." If they respond to you by saying something like, "Actually, I thought it spoke more to the corruption of the food industry rather than the nutritional value of the food" your automatic response should be either,"Hmm, I just didn't really see it that way." or ,"Well, that's an interesting take on it. Maybe I should read it again." Oh, I almost forgot. Learn the phrase iambic pentameter. That way, when someone brings up Shakespeare, you can whip out that catch phrase and put everyone in awe of your vast knowledge of huge words that describe dead arts.
Isn't that easy?
I have just given you the key to escaping that awful belief around town that you're an idiot. I do want to make explicitly clear the fact that you're still an idiot, even though you've completed the program. But, let's face it, everyone is only as smart as everybody else thinks they are, right?
I'm Jaime Renfro and I hope you've enjoyed my program. Join me next week when I show you how to alienate your friends by being a pretentious music aficionado and shooting down all their ideas of what good music is. Until then...
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